Siblings
When children need different things
Parenting children with different neurological profiles under one roof means rules, routines, and responses often need to be different for each child. This can feel unfair — to the children and to you.
What to do
- Explain neurodivergence to siblings at an age-appropriate level. "Fair" does not mean "the same" — it means everyone gets what they need.
- Protect one-to-one time with each child, even if it is brief. Ten focused minutes is more valuable than an hour of divided attention.
- Acknowledge the sibling's experience directly. They are allowed to find it hard.
- Create space for the sibling to talk about their feelings without judgement — consider whether a sibling support group might help.
- Be mindful of the caring role siblings may adopt. Check in regularly and ensure it remains within developmentally appropriate bounds.
What not to do
- Do not dismiss a sibling's frustration with "your brother can't help it" — while true, it does not validate their feeling.
- Do not expect the neurotypical sibling to always accommodate, always be patient, or always give in.
- Do not discuss one child's diagnosis or behaviour in detail with the sibling in a way that breaches the child's privacy.
Scripts you can use
A sibling says "It's not fair, they always get what they want."
Try saying
"I hear you, and it can feel really unfair sometimes. Your feelings matter just as much. Can we talk about what you need right now?"
Avoid saying
"Life isn't fair" or "You know they can't help it, be more understanding."
The neurodivergent child's meltdown has disrupted an activity the sibling was enjoying.
Try saying
"I'm sorry we had to stop. That was disappointing for you. Let's make a plan to finish this together later."
Avoid saying
"We all need to be flexible" or ignoring the sibling's disappointment entirely.
Siblings are in conflict and one is becoming dysregulated.
Try saying
"I can see this is getting big for both of you. Let's take some space — you can go to your room and you can stay here. I'll come and see each of you in a few minutes."
Avoid saying
"Who started it?" or assigning blame to either child in the moment.